three thirty eight

I've said it a million times and it'll be true forever: I love 3-4 am because I feel like the world belongs to me for a little while. Everyone's snoring away and it's like the universe is mine in this weird limbo between yesterday and new daylight.

It's late and I can't sleep and this is really random. I just felt like writing for no reason really- but it would be nice to look back on this blog years from now and remember how it felt to be young and trying to figure out my way and using my inability to sleep to create and destroy things. It'd be nice to look back on this and remember how alive and carefree life is right now because I know that it's not gonna be like this forever. I mean, it will always be alive and incredible and exciting but I know that as I grow I might change and I'll add more things on to my plate and who knows. Like, I might get married (but probs not because I eat like a man and I like comics and star wars and I'm not sure if that's attractive), I might move to a random country and raise goats, I don't know what will happen but I love life.

Is it bad that I'm pretty scared of getting older? Like John Mayer said, I'm only good at being young. This feeling is probably due to the fact that I'm turning TWENTY soon and I can't believe I'm this old. I'm too young to be feeling this old. I sat on my couch tonight with a cup of coffee and watched "Where the Wild Things Are" and I just wanted to put on my onesie and run who knows where and end up who knows where and escape from this world for a little while and be thee queen of another where all we have to do is build forts and sleep in piles and have dirt ball wars. This world is too complicated for me because I love simple things but I love learning and I don't know if I can even begin to understand how this world spins. Some days I do, but right now I don't wanna make sense of things. I know this is terrible because its not like I'm turning 75 but there's so many things I wanna do and people I wanna help and music I wanna write but I only have one life so I'm not sure if I can do it all. Maybe I can, and at this rate if I don't learn to sleep properly I might make the most of everything.

It's almost 4 am, and I've tried everything to sleep. I sat on youtube, I read books, I did a late devotional, I had a jam session with myself playing a I-IV-V-I progression in Eb in about 27 different sounds and now I'm wide awake as ever. Times like these I really miss Brooklyn because there's no bodegas to walk to to mildly entertain yourself/become sleepy, and no rooftop to gaze out at the Manhattan skyline. Who knows, maybe someday I'll be back.

Fall is the best time of year because everything changes and it's beautiful. Not like, spring and summer. It's also my favorite time of year because I love the way everything smells in autumn and pumpkin flavored everything and sweaters and scarves forever. I feel like I'm entering the autumn in my life...everything has changed for me, but it's beautiful. Some things have dried out and been left on the pavement like leaves. I feel like a leaf in autumn because who knows where the winds gonna take me. That is so super duper corny but it's true.

I'm so excited for all the things I don't know about.