1:56 a.m.
I have no idea what's gotten into me right now, like, I don't have words for this feeling, and it's probably because it's too late and I've been staring at the ceiling for far too long.
It's a new year and sure, people make resolutions and such but right now I have been going back and forth between my couch and my bed thinking, praying, dreaming, etc of how DESPERATELY I need more and more of God. How desperate I want to be used by Him. How desperate I am for His help to make the best of this season now that I'll probably stay in North Carolina for a while (though I'm still looking at you, Dallas.) How desperate I am for Him to open my eyes to the needs of people here and that why I may have a hard time accepting it because I miss New York, there are probably a million reasons why I am here for this time and season. After trying to figure things out on my own for a while, there's probably no better feeling than realizing that my worth comes Him and Him alone and nothing that I could do could make me a more impressive/accomplished person because everything that needed to be done He already did on the cross with a love that will touch a life more than any accomplishment of mine.
Honestly, I think I've put myself in a self-induced spiritual drought these past couple months because I had to leave New York and for a while I was pretty upset about it. Like, I thought I was gonna be there for years! And it would've been awesome because I had a great church and social life in the city and I had gotten into a good school! But I've come to realize that again...this is not my life. And if I want to be used by Him, then I have to let go of that. (Whatever "that" is...)
What am I learning? Comparison is probably the #1 thing that will rob you of his specific, hand-crafted, plan for you. I'm learning that the hard way, but I'm cool with that.
2013, I am ready for you. Bring it.
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