paint

It is seriously so funny how life really is never what you plan, like, at all. Ever since I've had nothing 'concrete' to do in terms of the 'socially' acceptable- school/work/professional-esque ambitions, etc, I've been thinking a lot about purpose. Like sometimes I wonder (and it's probably not healthy) what if I had stuck to my 17-year old ambitions? Where would I be and what would I be doing? Would I be happier than I am now or would I be more at peace? What if I had stayed in New York? Was I right in coming home? What if this period of nothingness was purposely placed in my life so I could really dig into what I wanted to do/be? Like, what about these new interests I'm discovering? God doesn't make a single mistake. Like...if God is the master artist and our lives are the canvas, are the gifts and abilities we have the palette? And what a mess we make when we paint ourselves and we don't know how but we do anyways because painting is fun. He is the creator- who are we to think we know how this life works better than God himself? I am so curious to see what my final product will look like if life is a painting of sorts. But I also don't wanna know because then I might settle and not attempt thriving. When my life painting is done, will it be worthy of any kind of admiration? Will there be any stroke technique of sorts that someone will want to emulate to make their painting more beautiful? What kind of gallery would house my life painting? Would be it at the Met, or wall decor in a coffee shop? Maybe street propaganda in poster form? Would my painting tell a story about me or others? The latter is a life well lived...I don't wanna be in the forefront of this picture. I am not very photogenic. How badly I want this life painting to reflect Christ and His love towards all of us, his grace, kindness, forgiveness...I want this life painting to show that I made the best of what I had...I think we do have a bit of control over how our lives play out, I mean we make choices at least a thousand times a day...and I am just rambling and I really need to get my junk together. Gotta quit wasting time that could be used to create, to breathe life. Gotta work on a better me so my surroundings will be better..more patience with existence and more Jesus in me, more and more every day so that I can reflect him...and now I actually wanna paint. I wish I had balloons so I could paint like they do in the Princess Diaries.

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