three thirty eight

I've said it a million times and it'll be true forever: I love 3-4 am because I feel like the world belongs to me for a little while. Everyone's snoring away and it's like the universe is mine in this weird limbo between yesterday and new daylight.

It's late and I can't sleep and this is really random. I just felt like writing for no reason really- but it would be nice to look back on this blog years from now and remember how it felt to be young and trying to figure out my way and using my inability to sleep to create and destroy things. It'd be nice to look back on this and remember how alive and carefree life is right now because I know that it's not gonna be like this forever. I mean, it will always be alive and incredible and exciting but I know that as I grow I might change and I'll add more things on to my plate and who knows. Like, I might get married (but probs not because I eat like a man and I like comics and star wars and I'm not sure if that's attractive), I might move to a random country and raise goats, I don't know what will happen but I love life.

Is it bad that I'm pretty scared of getting older? Like John Mayer said, I'm only good at being young. This feeling is probably due to the fact that I'm turning TWENTY soon and I can't believe I'm this old. I'm too young to be feeling this old. I sat on my couch tonight with a cup of coffee and watched "Where the Wild Things Are" and I just wanted to put on my onesie and run who knows where and end up who knows where and escape from this world for a little while and be thee queen of another where all we have to do is build forts and sleep in piles and have dirt ball wars. This world is too complicated for me because I love simple things but I love learning and I don't know if I can even begin to understand how this world spins. Some days I do, but right now I don't wanna make sense of things. I know this is terrible because its not like I'm turning 75 but there's so many things I wanna do and people I wanna help and music I wanna write but I only have one life so I'm not sure if I can do it all. Maybe I can, and at this rate if I don't learn to sleep properly I might make the most of everything.

It's almost 4 am, and I've tried everything to sleep. I sat on youtube, I read books, I did a late devotional, I had a jam session with myself playing a I-IV-V-I progression in Eb in about 27 different sounds and now I'm wide awake as ever. Times like these I really miss Brooklyn because there's no bodegas to walk to to mildly entertain yourself/become sleepy, and no rooftop to gaze out at the Manhattan skyline. Who knows, maybe someday I'll be back.

Fall is the best time of year because everything changes and it's beautiful. Not like, spring and summer. It's also my favorite time of year because I love the way everything smells in autumn and pumpkin flavored everything and sweaters and scarves forever. I feel like I'm entering the autumn in my life...everything has changed for me, but it's beautiful. Some things have dried out and been left on the pavement like leaves. I feel like a leaf in autumn because who knows where the winds gonna take me. That is so super duper corny but it's true.

I'm so excited for all the things I don't know about.

just sleep.

I have no idea why I'm writing this, but it's been weighing on my heart lately. I pray that if you read this...it blesses you and meets you where you're at.

The other day I was reading in Mark 4, verses 35-41 respectively, which say:

^"35 That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” ³⁶ Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. ³⁷ A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. ³⁸ Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”

³⁹ He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

⁴⁰ He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”

⁴¹ They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!” "

We all know that things happen. Nothing will ever go exactly as it should, and sometimes, the storm might get too rough. In my life, it's been weird, because as much as being in New York allowed me to see God work wonderfully in my life, I couldn't go ignoring that sometimes it did get hard, and that I did become anxious, and that things were going on back home that were seriously trying. My church here in North Carolina is now on the rebound from what had been the most trying and hardest 5 months in the life of our church, and with so many things and people changing and turning against you, you wonder, how do I grace this storm? What do I do? When should I move? What should I even do? and a million other questions. And then this scripture stumbles upon me in my devotionals. Some of the things that I took away from it were: 

1. Verse 35 begins with Jesus telling his disciples to go to other side. Symbolic of what a storm in life will do and where it will take you? I think so, perhaps. The disciples here were merely following a command from the master, and they probably thought it was gonna be another day, another boat ride with the 12 homies. But oh look, a storm. Unexpected? Absolutely. Filled with purpose? Probably more than they know.

2. They left the crowds behind- sometimes the storms of life will do this to us. It may pull us away from some people, they may isolate us for a while, but again...if the Master says to follow him to the other side....you don't know how hard the journey will be. Pack only the necessaries. This is hard to think about since sometimes we don't realize that some people that we may love may also be the ones dragging us down. And I don't really know where I was going with that so moving on... 

3.I also love how verse 36 points out that there were other boats in the water at the time of this storm. A reminder that we aren't alone when braving mad angry waves. 

4. From what I can see...this storm wasn't like, ah look some rain, an umbrella will do. No, it says that the waves rushed INto the boat- this could've sunk the boat, etc. And what does Jesus do? HE TAKES A NAP. He's just chilling. (Which I think is pretty boss.) Anyways, meanwhile all the disciples are all hands on deck (lol, punny) trying to save the boat from the storm, and the Master is just sleeping. What if we were like that in the storms? To have enough trust in our Heavenly Father that we can just sleep even when it would make sense to move and do something about it? If anything, in my life I've learned that God likes to work and come through in the most nonsensical of ways, because he's cool like that. 

5. The disciples ask Jesus if he cares about the current situation- I have heard people say this a million times. People will be like, oh sure, Jesus is good and all, but I don't think he really cares that much about my situation. Well...he does. We just have to know that if we let HIM be in control of OUR storm and over every area of our lives...sooner or later, in the nick of time, He will rise and with his sovereign hand he will calm the storm, just like he ordered the storm to cease in the passage. THIS IS OUR GOD. It's all a matter of trusting Him even when it would make sense not to. Who's in control of your storm today? 

6. He then tells his disciples, dude, why you scurred? Do you not know who I am and what I am capable of and that I ALWAYS for you, never against you, and that I am who I am, God so sovereign? If anything, if God allows a storm in our life its probably to 1) refine, purify, and rebuild us and to 2) remind us of how little faith we are, and that we need to trust Him more and more every day. We can't ever have too much faith... 

7. In the end, we will win, and Jesus ALWAYS wins. I love how in verse 41 the disciples were like, who is this??? Like, if I were them too, I would be wondering and just sit in awe of this man who had so much power that He could calm the storm. Which brings me to this: if you let God be in control of your storm/circumstance, He will always get the glory. It may be painful at times, but your testimonies will always bring glory to Him and will serve as a comfort to others. This is something that I've definitely seen in my life. 

I don't know why, but I really felt like I needed to write this (for personal purposes, mainly). In my life I am now beginning to see what things look like on the other side- He always has better things if we let Him guide us for better or worse. I mean sure, currently, for example, my family is going through a terribly trying period financially. We is BROKE. Like, within the last five years we've sold our house, lost a car or two, sold a company, etc. But we're learning to not fret. He knows our needs, and He has always taken care of anything- why is this time any different? (Kinda like Job...when God wanted to purify him, He let the enemy mess with his posessions...but never his soul. This is not to say that we are Job or anything either, to be clear.) And with our church? Sure, at first it hurt to lose some of the people we valued for years, but the church I came back to when I came home this summer has a much lighter spirit and is so ready to take on this city- it feels so right now. As if God were saying....this is what needed to happen so we would all be on the same page and finally move forward. I can't get over how amazing the atmosphere is in my church now. God is on the brink of something HUGE- we can all feel it. Revival is within our reach and I am so excited for them. But it took a terrible 5 months of confusion and painful separations to get there. Anyways. 

I've made a point from now on to let Him be in control of my storms and everything else. We can pray for relief from them all we want, but even if He doesn't come through- He is still God. And His unfailing love for me doesn't and will never change, even when it doesn't make sense. 

His grace is sufficient.

dear new york...

It can't go without saying that I'm truly terrible at maintaining a blog..
Anyways.

I'm writing this blog post while sitting on my balcony, back in peaceful North Carolina. NYC round 1= conquered.

I'm so head over heels in love with this city. Some thoughts on New York part one...
(Pictures included!! The pictures are just a few of the places that were part of everyday life in the city for me. Courtesy of the awesome Michelle You!)

                                    (BK til I die, y'all)

Looking back now...wow. I remember around this time 6 months ago, I was trying to mentally prepare myself to take on this big city. I remember how nervous/scared I was...but I also remember that for whatever reason God placed it on my heart to pack my bags and move out of the comfort zone and to Brooklyn, and that I was ready to see His hand move in my life. And to learn to trust Him, to change my perspectives, and to teach me to see people as He does. Really thankful now that I trusted Him and not my wallet, or fears. 

Oh what it is to be young and in New York City. I still remember how the first week for me was an absolute disaster- crying literally every time my parents called, being super homesick, trying to get used to the pace and to this drastically different environment...getting lost in Harlem at 11 pm my first night in the city...oh boy. It's super cliche, but I moved here nineteen years young and wide eyed. I don't think that even I realized what I was getting my self into, or even worse, how young I was. Apparently in NYC, being nineteen is equivalent to being an infant. But *humblebrag* I think I fared pretty well. I have God to thank for that. If it had not been for His hand taking care and watching over my every move...wow. His strength alone. Love you Jesus.                                                         

(My doorway)

Clearly, one of the biggest differences between life in le country and life in NYC is the different kinds of living spaces. When I first moved in to my apartment in Park Slope, Brooklyn (aka an awesomeee neighborhood), I was like oh, this is so small. What will I ever do. But again, once I got used to it...it was actually the perfect amount of space. Do we even need that much space anyways? Also, a more concise living space keeps you from buying too much unnecessary stuff. My roommates are awesome...so thankful for them! Miss them. And again...favor of the Lord...I really lucked out on this apartment. The rent was doable, I lived 4 blocks from 9 different trains so commuting wasn't bad at all, and I had everything I needed on my block- laundromat, organic food 24-hour store, bagel shop, thrift store, movie rental place, a pub, etc. Within my SAME block. So blessed. Oh, and I could see the Manhattan skyline from my roof. What what. Pretty awesome man... 

 (the view from my roof. well, one angle at least)

                                              (waiting for le train, N train here)                                          (5th Ave, Brooklyn. Home.)

 

 

(Gorilla Coffee! Best coffee in Brooklyn, hands down.)

All the culture, and food, and abundance of things to go...another reason why I love this place so much. The comic book stores here...oh my goodness I was in NERD HEAVEN. Forbidden Planet on 13th, and Bergen Street Comics (right around the corner from my apartment too) we're probably my favorites. The selection is A+...if I had only had a little extra cash. I was always broke, however, because New York has THE best food in the world and you can't tell me otherwise. All my money literally went to rent, bills....and food. It's funny how the city changes your palate. Now I crave things like hummus and pita, or Thai food, or Indian...and God forbid I eat at a chain restaurant in the city! (I mean, honestly, why would you.) Some of my favorites were Bite, Mamoun's, The Vagabond Cafe, Bare Burger, Baluchi's, The Black Sheep Pub, the list goes on. Check them out, dine there, and be changed. But yeah. There's always tons to do, lots to see, tons to learn, etc. Did I mention the free entertainment on the subways all the time? So many actually good performers on the train platforms! The violinist who's at the N/Q/R at 59th, the quartet I heard once on the A/C/E at 42nd, the band with the guys in the pink gorilla suit at 34th, etc. Love it. I have story after story about awesome nights out in the city, coming home late on the trains (hilarious stories there), doing some not so wise things, good talks with awesome people, etc. But I will spare you.

(The Vagabond! Best cafe in the West Village..or all of NYC)

(Bergen Street Comics!)

(Black Sheep Pub- best $5 dinners, and good chats. Park Slope, ftw)

 

I love all things different, odd, and against the status quo. These are the kind of people I met/saw in New York. The abundance of diversity here is truly astonishing- NYC is kind of like, the whole world crammed into this tiny space stacked on top of each other like sardines and its beautiful. I loved that I could get on the train and hear all kinds of languages being spoken, all kinds of people from all walks of life sharing the same train car. No one in New York looks alike and that's so beautiful. People here are all so driven and willing to learn and tolerant of others. I love that people here enjoy intelligent conversation and a good cup of coffee. Anyways. I love the energy of the city- this city seriously never sleeps. Now that I'm back I miss the loudness and the honking and the neighbors partying on the roof at 3 am, etc. The atmosphere in NYC is unmatched. This energy and atmosphere did wonders for my creative juices too.However, you see really weird things here too. Anyways.

(Joy Burger Bar, aka, work)

Sure, New York is fun. But living here is no joke man...the saying "if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere"- it's true y'all. This place can be stressful, and it's not for everyone. On top of being super expensive, there are just days where you wonder why you do this to yourself. I mean, nothing like armpit in your face on an ultra packed 5 train during rush hour after a stressful shift at work. I worked at 4 different places within a span of 5 months, and that was stressful I suppose. Also, the fact that I worked full time and went to school sometimes would get to me. A good lesson in time management though. I remember my first public cry in New York- I sat down on a bench on 59th street and I just cried. Didn't care what anyone thought. Am I a real New Yorker now? But I really can't complain. This city is so worth it. 

And then there's my other home here- Hillsong. This church was home for me. I cannot even begin to tell you how much this church and it's people have blessed my life. And how privileged I am to be a part of what God is doing in this city. Like where do I start?? I mean, first of all, where else do you see people waiting in line outside, for an hour regardless of the weather, to go to church? I loved when other people would walk by and they'd ask me what the line was for, and the puzzled look I'd get when I said church. But God is moving big time here. And the people that I met here are amazing. My connections team-  you guys are all truly legends. Miss you guys already! I love how passionate everyone here is about building God's house and making people feel at home. People here are truly passionate to serve- I learned so much from them. It's good to be back in NC this summer cause there's so much I want to pour back out to my congregation here. But I truly have no words to express how thankful I am for the people I was able to work with here- they became family to me. One of my biggest fears about moving was the fact that I'd have to leave my family in NC, and they are awesome. But God gave me a family at Hillsong, and they made life there incredible. So so thankful. You guys don't even know the impact each and everyone of you had on me. I'm dead serious. Thank you for your friendships, your wisdom, and the life you breathed into mine. Thanks forreal. 

In the end...I am just really thankful. It really goes to show that when you throw caution to the wind, and are willing to let go of security to walk in His will, you will get so much more than you bargained for...more than you dreamed of. New York has not been easy, but it has been so worth it. I grew as a person, learned to be responsible etc, but more than anything, I love how I saw God move in my life. I learned to trust him FULLY- to walk with him at all times, to rest in the fact that He is God and ever so sovereign, and that he knows my needs, and that if he called me somewhere, He was gonna supply it all and he has. Exceedingly and abundantly. I was able to see the literally supernatural provision of God in my life...like wow. I am so humbled. 

I'm not really good with words, and I honestly don't know how to explain it, but I came out of this a much stronger person in faith. I'm not sure how, but he used this change of location to work on some the kinks in my soul...little by little he is changing every part of me. New York taught me to be more compassionate- there is so much need! and it dwells next to extravagant wealth. All the homeless people that I encountered taught me so much- that everyone has a story, that these people still have dreams and expectations, that I was filthy blessed and it stirred in me the notion that I had no option but to give it all away. New York taught me that nothing else matters, but give me Jesus. Crazy how living in a place that offers you everything you could ever want for the price of some cash teaches you how meaningless it all is. Nothing else matters. The fact that I don't own anything really- I mean, I rent my apartment, and have no car- is so freeing. Nothing to lose, everything to gain. New York taught me that I cannot settle for a complacent life- you get one shot at this life, go hard or go home. And this city...well, you literally have to work hard or else you will not make it, and I needed to learn to push myself. I learned that I am more capable than what I thought I was capable of. And there's so much to learn still! New York taught me to be ready for anything....this place is so spontaneous. I could go on forever about the things this city taught me. 

I am just so thankful. If it had not been for God...I don't think I would've made it. Honestly. All glory to Him alone.... 

New York City, thank you for everything. You are so beautiful. I miss you, I miss your energy, your people, your food, your culture, your pace, your atmosphere...but I need to take a breather. See you in eight weeks- already can't wait for round two.

Love always. 

bridges.

It's 3 am, pretty insomniatic, drinking entirely too much coffee in attempts to trek through this assignment. I should be asleep right now. But I'm not...and out of this another of my late night rants is born. 

The other day I was listening to Hillsong's "All I Need is You" while on the Q train which gives you this beautiful view of the city since it goes over the bridge between BK and the city...that was irrelevant information. Anyways. The song says: 

"All I need is You...all I need is you, Lord. 

....You hold the universe; you hold everyone on earth."

These past couple weeks in New York have been [insert adjective for hooray and surprising and stressing here]. I just don't know. I am in awe and in a total lack of words at God's grace and goodness towards me...like honestly, why do I deserve any of this? It's pretty mindblowing when I think about the fact that the very God who spoke all of this into being- the Almighty, the God who oversees it all, has the time in his massive agenda to take care of the needs of an individual like myself. I am completely humbled by just how great His love for me is...and I can boast about his love for me because it is unfailing. My love for Him on the other hand...it fails sometimes. 

I really have been thinking lately about how if I think about it, He really is all I need. It's funny because living in New York there is a constant puppet show of the material and "satisfying" dangling in your face- there is always a new sweater to buy, a good dinner, a good show, a good time, or anything your flesh desires all available to you at the price of some cold, hard, cash. AHAH and get this! You can get all these things, and at the end of the day, it all comes back to bite you, kinda, except not really, because it's all temporary and so fleeting. It's so empty. And I always find that God is sufficient. That what he offers us is forever, and completely free. That his love is enough to cover all our needs, to heal our loneliness and heartache, to set our souls completely free from all of these earthly things. Isn't it ironic how mankind tries to free themselves by the very things that end up enslaving them? And how mankind looks for satisfaction via the temporary? I honestly don't know where I'm going with this blog post. I just want and really hunger for something more than cash can buy. I long for something bigger than myself and this system. I long for the bridge I can't burn down. 

Maybe I need to sleep. 

thought catalog

I'm being super boring and doing laundry and sitting at home on a friday night in Brooklyn.

Anyways. Yet again, this is just another blog post of me rambling (in bullet form this time!) to try and make sense of things.

Thought Catalog...

1. Why is the rent so high here? You're killing me BK... 

2. Yesterday in class we had to write an essay based off of some chick's quote saying how reading was a great invention and such....why do we read? How does our mind make sense of symbols that translate into sounds -> words-> languages, etc. Fascinating really. 

3. New York, you are a straaange little padawan. How can you make me so exhausted yet inspire me like no other all at once? 

4. Working on the Upper East Side makes me glad I'm not rich...I would hate to be an entitled snob. And these kids? Forget it. I wanna smack 77.3% of them upside the head. No I can't make sure your panini is toasted in patterns. Like are you forreal. 

5. Why is it that this place is making me apathetic and sympathetic all at once? The other day on the subway, this man was desperate for help...and something in me knew that he was forreal and not just a phony. And as I reached into my pocket to see what I could offer him...I just sat there. I didn't do anything. Why am I trapped in this body? The apostle Paul was right...it's a horrible thing to be made of good heart but of human nature. and I need to realize that I won't accomplish anything until I can manage to control the very thing that paralyzes my giving sometime..whatever that may be. 

6. I sat with a homeless man the other day and gave him a granola bar (I had no cash and it was all I had). I have never seen anyone so happy and thankful. BOOM ROASTED, what a smack in the face. I can be so ungrateful at times...like God why do you give me all of this when I don't deserve it? You are too good. Thank you for teaching me everyday. 

7. Everytime I start to worry about anything- how fiscally poor I am, how much sleep I lack, how stressed I am, etc, it is always quickly overshadowed by the fact that God is just so much greater than all of it. Luke 11. I am indeed more valuable than the birds, and yes he will take care of me. He has until now- why would I worry now? 

8. Why do old men hit on girls my age? like...do you even know how old I am..? #smh 

9. Have you noticed that as routine as sunrises and sunsets are, each and every single one is different? God is super creative...he is either a) having artsy time in heaven or b) showing us all a glimpse of his beauty. Perhaps I'm a bit of a romantic...but something about sunsets. 

10. I've been dwelling on a lot on 1 Peter 1:6-9 lately...it makes everything make sense. 

11. I walk around this city, and I see so many people that look put together and are constantly searching for a fix to anything really- a situation, exhaustion, hunger, sorrow. Ironic how man tries to find a a permanent fix via the temporary. Thankful that God and his joy is the same, all day, err day, forever...and just an ounce of it floods me with peace and joy that I really have no words for. Webster can't even handle this. 

Well, anyways. 

transplants.

I am writing this blog post from my apartment in Brooklyn, NY.
I can't lie- it's still surreal.
I can't lie again- I love this city, but I miss my family so much.

These past few days have felt way out of body. I can't tell if that's in a good or bad way yet.
Anyways.

I finally made it! I'm in the city where there are enough weird people to make me look normal. And I look at my surroundings and well...I'm happy to be here. 

Friday night was my last night at home...and my sister planned me a surprise going away party...she did a great job because I honestly had no idea and therefore I whacked my friend in the face when he popped out of the closet by the front door. Epic last night home. Great reminder of all the reasons, or motivations really, I had for moving, but also for all the reasons I almost didn't want to anymore. But you know, someone once said that life begins at the end of your comfort zone...

I moved in Saturday night...I am so glad I didn't have to bring furniture because it was already a pain to move every thing up 3 floors...in a building with no elevator. Hooray walk-ups! As we were moving in, my parents befriended my neighbor- this sweet, old, Dominican lady. She is super nice and she makes me the best food...so thankful. (See? I have like...no money, yet God has provided. Love him)

Anyways. My family all crammed into my tiny room so they could rest before they made their way back home the next morning. Pretty sure I woke up halfway through the night because it hit me that they were gonna leave in a few hours, and that I wouldn't go back with them. That I'd be on my own for good this time. I surely didn't feel empowered. I felt so helpless. I am quite a family person...I never wanted to leave because I couldn't stand my parents anymore or anything- on the contrary, they are the best people I have ever known and they taught me so well. If I screw up it's my fault, not because they weren't the greatest parents a girl could've asked for.

Saying goodbye to my family Sunday morning was without a doubt the most heartbreaking thing I've done. I couldn't even look at my mom...it's getting better but I miss them SO. MUCH. Like I'm pretty sure I spent half the day yesterday crying on the subway, whenever they called me, etc...but I don't care. I pay good money to live in the city, and can cry in public all I want to. But it's getting better. Going to church on Sunday was amaazing- I love Hillsong NYC. They are my family now and it feels good to be here. The message was killer and it makes me so excited that venues fill up to capacity service after service....Jesus is very much alive and going in this city. I'm blown away by how willing people are to serve and give their precious time to serve other and make them feel at home. I am blessed to be a part of this! 

My feetsies hurt so bad from walking everywhere...I mean yeah there are subways but you still gotta walk everywhere. (I'mma have to work some foot massage therapy into my budget forreal) It's not like I didn't know that...I guess brain and muscle aren't as readily prepared for things. And the things you see on the subway! LOLOLOLOL. This one guy tried selling us his "bestseller" called "Don't beat your kids or they'll turn out like me"...uh ok. And the free and awesome subway music! A love it. A diverse city this is indeed... 

So I guess that entails these first few days here. I love it here. But I do miss home. I miss my family. I miss my mom. Dad. DIANA! Who's cheeks am I supposed to pinch now!? and even my brother man...I miss his weird self.

The joys of becoming independent.
P.S. I GOT A JOB!!! makes all the millions of blocks trekked worth it. phew.