Empire State of Mind.

As I'm writing this, I'm sitting outside on my balcony. It's a peaceful, cool, September evening here in North Carolina. Where I live, at any given time, the only noise you will hear is the wind humming, or the occasional dog bark. I look outside my window and I see a neat neighborhood. Life here has given me everything- I have the best family anyone could've asked for, I have my church, I have a job, and there has never been a lack of roof+food+clothes in my life. My life has been handed to me and I have never really had to fight for anything at all. Life here is easy. This being said, why would I ever want to leave?

If you take anything from this, remember. Life is a story. You only get one pen, one notebook, and shot at it. And risk and a different set of ears and eyes is key to writing something worth reading back on in your last days. 

Two years ago, my post-high school plans were to go to Appalachian State, be a music major, and come home every weekend. I've been raised (and will forever) remain a mommy and daddy's girl, and so I probably wouldn't know how to deal with the distance and not seeing them every day. My parents literally are my best friends, (and I swear that I hate showing emotions online because they have become so insincere over the binary) and I am tearing up right now at the very thought of leaving them. They have taught me everything and mean more than anything. But that was the plan, to get to live out what I thought were my dreams and still keep my life at home. God quickly shot that down, and told me to slow down, and take a year off and think about things. To seek his face, his will, his love and to yearn to see his hand move in my life. I spent the first few months in a weird shock...I didn't know what to make of it since most of my friends who flew the same flag of 'Christianity' as myself got to make things work kinda like I hoped they would have for me. They got to live the typical college life. I kinda began to notice that most of the friends I had in high school I began to lose touch with quickly. Disconnection. This is where God began to teach me that I can't have everything and that he was gonna facilitate the process.

So I said, fine, God. Do what you will with me. I began to ask him to make himself so real to me, and that if there was something to be given up to really know him, so be it. He began to make me see that my life here is too comfortable. Following him is never easy, but here it wasn't that daunting of a task- getting out and talking to people here in Winston about Jesus isn't the hardest thing because the people that we've met here are mostly people who have little to nothing, and so hearing about a Savior who is for them and wants to fulfill something in their lives is just what they need. I thank God every day for those people because they have become my family, and the only thing that might keep me here. They are my church. And it continues to grow! How beautiful everything He does is. But again, my life here is handed to me. I began to see that my life was so predictable...and that I needed to learn to trust God, something I am still learning. I hope that I never cease to learn to trust him. And as soon as I asked God to teach me to trust him, to let go of my life and my plans, and to let him use me in the most unconventional of ways...he began to place New York City on my heart.

Now, remember, my initial life plan was to go to school somewhere in the peace of the mountains, close to home. New York always looked cool in the movies but I had never thought of it as a place to live, vacations? Sure. But I didn't think that was for me at the time. I don't even know how, but suddenly everything started to point towards NYC. (I also began to see that I am not made for the suburbs...I need a city.) I had a chance to go to a school up there for cheaper than I can here, surprisingly. So I guess that was one of the first signs. So I began to do some research, and I was like...nope. There is no way I will make it there. It's the most expensive city! I come from a working class family, it makes no sense to move there. Perhaps in this he wants to teach me that he is my provider, and that he knows my every need and that he will house/feed me. But the more I began to see what this place is all about, I slowly began to see why God is leading me there. New York is a strange blend of everything I love and many of the things I hate. The diversity, the fast pace of life, the ability to make anything of yourself, good music, libraries, the coffee shops, walking out your door and hearing 12 different languages, the energy- love it. At the same time, the material, the overpriced, the fleeting, the superficial, the important, the corporate and rich people...all things I'm not comfortable with. I'm pretty much convinced that the rich and those who have it made here on this earth are the hardest to reach for Jesus. They have everything and in excess- why do they need Jesus? And in this...I can begin to see what it is God wants to teach me. Maybe He is still alive and relevant in a city that is so established and seems to not need him at all.

Back in April, I went up the city to meet it for the first time, and I instantly fell in love. It was dirty, grimy, smelly, and always full of people...but I loved it and I have no words for it. It's kinda magical. I also visited the new Hillsong church there...and I know it will be home. (I still feel quite unqualified to work with them, but this is a learning process, yes.) I don't understand it because I was still in the "but-God-I-Have-A-Church-Here" mode, but I know that they will be a family away from mine and will walk alongside me as we try and reach a city of so many different people for Jesus. Talking with the leadership there, it is a church relying on nothing but the guts of the Gospel...and I can begin to see that NYC is HIS. I get so excited at the thought of this.

About my education? Hunter College may be where I end up. I may end up just going to Bible college. I'd always wanted my degree, but if it's something that Jesus didn't have in my life plans, He knows why. (Disclaimer: I still strongly believe in education.) At first I was furious at the idea of God maybe not wanting me to go to school, but now I'm okay with it. I also want to spend time working with charity:water firsthand...that would be the dream.

All in all....I am moving to New York. Projected date: January 9th. I am taking THE biggest risk of my life. I have nothing secure up there. But then again, do any of us have anything secure? If I am honest with myself, my life has been pretty meh, and a boring story. No risks to create a climax. No real conflict to create resolution. No tension to form art and sense true beauty from.  We weren't put on this earth just to learn to die and be safe til we make it to the grave...no. We are here to learn that life happens before death. It can be beautiful. I am tired of safety. So what if I don't make it in New York after a while? It won't be a failure. I will have learned. But it'll be a heck of a story worth telling.

When I began to make it clear to family+others that this is what I intended on...everyone began telling me 'no'. That I couldn't do it. That I wouldn't make it up there. That I was young and stupid and had no idea what I was getting myself into. They might be right. They might be wrong. That's what this is about. You never know until you try. All odds really are against me. But many times I have failed goals that I've set for myself. I have to go through with this for myself. So I can learn. It's my life. (<-- The epitome of my rebellion.)

From a general life standpoint, I do need to learn to do things for myself. I need to learn what its like to live on your own and the feeling of finally paying your rent and having like $4 left over for bread and ramen. I will miss my family and my church here more than anything...but if I don't leave now, I never will. If I'm totally honest, I am absolutely terrified. So scared. Like...me by myself if a city of millions? It's so intimidating. But I've never been so excited in my life. I am ready to see who God is come so alive in me, as real as the city streets. The best this earth has to offer comes face to face with the best the creator has to offer...and they look so much different from each other. Collision. Repair.

Keep me in your prayers...life is happening.