Empire State of Mind.

As I'm writing this, I'm sitting outside on my balcony. It's a peaceful, cool, September evening here in North Carolina. Where I live, at any given time, the only noise you will hear is the wind humming, or the occasional dog bark. I look outside my window and I see a neat neighborhood. Life here has given me everything- I have the best family anyone could've asked for, I have my church, I have a job, and there has never been a lack of roof+food+clothes in my life. My life has been handed to me and I have never really had to fight for anything at all. Life here is easy. This being said, why would I ever want to leave?

If you take anything from this, remember. Life is a story. You only get one pen, one notebook, and shot at it. And risk and a different set of ears and eyes is key to writing something worth reading back on in your last days. 

Two years ago, my post-high school plans were to go to Appalachian State, be a music major, and come home every weekend. I've been raised (and will forever) remain a mommy and daddy's girl, and so I probably wouldn't know how to deal with the distance and not seeing them every day. My parents literally are my best friends, (and I swear that I hate showing emotions online because they have become so insincere over the binary) and I am tearing up right now at the very thought of leaving them. They have taught me everything and mean more than anything. But that was the plan, to get to live out what I thought were my dreams and still keep my life at home. God quickly shot that down, and told me to slow down, and take a year off and think about things. To seek his face, his will, his love and to yearn to see his hand move in my life. I spent the first few months in a weird shock...I didn't know what to make of it since most of my friends who flew the same flag of 'Christianity' as myself got to make things work kinda like I hoped they would have for me. They got to live the typical college life. I kinda began to notice that most of the friends I had in high school I began to lose touch with quickly. Disconnection. This is where God began to teach me that I can't have everything and that he was gonna facilitate the process.

So I said, fine, God. Do what you will with me. I began to ask him to make himself so real to me, and that if there was something to be given up to really know him, so be it. He began to make me see that my life here is too comfortable. Following him is never easy, but here it wasn't that daunting of a task- getting out and talking to people here in Winston about Jesus isn't the hardest thing because the people that we've met here are mostly people who have little to nothing, and so hearing about a Savior who is for them and wants to fulfill something in their lives is just what they need. I thank God every day for those people because they have become my family, and the only thing that might keep me here. They are my church. And it continues to grow! How beautiful everything He does is. But again, my life here is handed to me. I began to see that my life was so predictable...and that I needed to learn to trust God, something I am still learning. I hope that I never cease to learn to trust him. And as soon as I asked God to teach me to trust him, to let go of my life and my plans, and to let him use me in the most unconventional of ways...he began to place New York City on my heart.

Now, remember, my initial life plan was to go to school somewhere in the peace of the mountains, close to home. New York always looked cool in the movies but I had never thought of it as a place to live, vacations? Sure. But I didn't think that was for me at the time. I don't even know how, but suddenly everything started to point towards NYC. (I also began to see that I am not made for the suburbs...I need a city.) I had a chance to go to a school up there for cheaper than I can here, surprisingly. So I guess that was one of the first signs. So I began to do some research, and I was like...nope. There is no way I will make it there. It's the most expensive city! I come from a working class family, it makes no sense to move there. Perhaps in this he wants to teach me that he is my provider, and that he knows my every need and that he will house/feed me. But the more I began to see what this place is all about, I slowly began to see why God is leading me there. New York is a strange blend of everything I love and many of the things I hate. The diversity, the fast pace of life, the ability to make anything of yourself, good music, libraries, the coffee shops, walking out your door and hearing 12 different languages, the energy- love it. At the same time, the material, the overpriced, the fleeting, the superficial, the important, the corporate and rich people...all things I'm not comfortable with. I'm pretty much convinced that the rich and those who have it made here on this earth are the hardest to reach for Jesus. They have everything and in excess- why do they need Jesus? And in this...I can begin to see what it is God wants to teach me. Maybe He is still alive and relevant in a city that is so established and seems to not need him at all.

Back in April, I went up the city to meet it for the first time, and I instantly fell in love. It was dirty, grimy, smelly, and always full of people...but I loved it and I have no words for it. It's kinda magical. I also visited the new Hillsong church there...and I know it will be home. (I still feel quite unqualified to work with them, but this is a learning process, yes.) I don't understand it because I was still in the "but-God-I-Have-A-Church-Here" mode, but I know that they will be a family away from mine and will walk alongside me as we try and reach a city of so many different people for Jesus. Talking with the leadership there, it is a church relying on nothing but the guts of the Gospel...and I can begin to see that NYC is HIS. I get so excited at the thought of this.

About my education? Hunter College may be where I end up. I may end up just going to Bible college. I'd always wanted my degree, but if it's something that Jesus didn't have in my life plans, He knows why. (Disclaimer: I still strongly believe in education.) At first I was furious at the idea of God maybe not wanting me to go to school, but now I'm okay with it. I also want to spend time working with charity:water firsthand...that would be the dream.

All in all....I am moving to New York. Projected date: January 9th. I am taking THE biggest risk of my life. I have nothing secure up there. But then again, do any of us have anything secure? If I am honest with myself, my life has been pretty meh, and a boring story. No risks to create a climax. No real conflict to create resolution. No tension to form art and sense true beauty from.  We weren't put on this earth just to learn to die and be safe til we make it to the grave...no. We are here to learn that life happens before death. It can be beautiful. I am tired of safety. So what if I don't make it in New York after a while? It won't be a failure. I will have learned. But it'll be a heck of a story worth telling.

When I began to make it clear to family+others that this is what I intended on...everyone began telling me 'no'. That I couldn't do it. That I wouldn't make it up there. That I was young and stupid and had no idea what I was getting myself into. They might be right. They might be wrong. That's what this is about. You never know until you try. All odds really are against me. But many times I have failed goals that I've set for myself. I have to go through with this for myself. So I can learn. It's my life. (<-- The epitome of my rebellion.)

From a general life standpoint, I do need to learn to do things for myself. I need to learn what its like to live on your own and the feeling of finally paying your rent and having like $4 left over for bread and ramen. I will miss my family and my church here more than anything...but if I don't leave now, I never will. If I'm totally honest, I am absolutely terrified. So scared. Like...me by myself if a city of millions? It's so intimidating. But I've never been so excited in my life. I am ready to see who God is come so alive in me, as real as the city streets. The best this earth has to offer comes face to face with the best the creator has to offer...and they look so much different from each other. Collision. Repair.

Keep me in your prayers...life is happening.

for the record.

I'm gonna write this blog BECAUSE I CAN. And just so we get to know each other a little better, etc.
I'm a really easy going person, pretty carefree and I try to love all equally.
That being said, there are indeed exceptions because I am indeed human. I present you with:

Things I HIGHLY dislike. 

1. Cheese. I have taste aversion towards cheese. I cannot eat it. The smell, the texture, the taste, everything about it make me gag til I wanna die. So never make me food with cheese. That way I don't feel bad for declining. 

2. Pop/Radio Music.   Pop music is the biggest crime committed ever. It all sounds the same, talks about the same things, and is the same over produced, auto-tuned, computerized baloney. I know music is subjective, etc, but really. It's just not good music. I can put money on the fact that these people would sound like an army of a thousand dying kittens if they tried singing/playing live. You know what that sounds like? Sorrow.

3. Ignorance. Please guys. There are many ways today to inform yourselves about what's happening in the world- radio, tv, internet, newspaper (yes they still exist and I still read it) so there is NO excuse for anyone to not be aware. i.e. Are you aware that there are currently 28 million slaves worldwide in industries such as coffee, chocolate, and sex? There are. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. They're people too. P.S. fair trade is the only way to go. You want coffee and chocolate? pay the fair price for it. That's just an example. 

4. Jersey Shore. I watched this show like once and I got on my knees and begged Jesus to come take us all away right now. I simply cannot come to terms with how it is culturally acceptable to pay people thousands of dollars to get drunk, party, and make out. To the cast of this awful show, BE A PRODUCTIVE MEMBER OF SOCIETY. Plant trees. Feed hungry children! See item #3. God Bless. 

5. People who pay excessive amounts of cash for clothes, etc. I don't understand this either. Brands don't matter guys. Quite frankly, NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU'RE WEARING. and if you hang with people who do and judge you for it, get better friends, and a personal sense of self. Geez. If you can buy something for cheaper that serves the same function, score. I.e. Why pay for a $345 jacket when you could buy one equally as good without the logo for less. P.S. that money could probably feed 24 kids in Africa for a year. Yeah, have that on your conscience. Selfish idiot.

6. Fraternity/Sorority Culture   (Disclaimer, academic ones, fair game) Ok, I get that it's tradition, blah blah blah, but I have some old friends who went Greek and turned into pompous douches. I once went to totalfratmove.com out of curiosity one day and I was horrified with how ignorant, superficial, and irresponsible these people are. No one cares how expensive your stupid shirt is. No one cares ''who your dad is''. No one cares how rich you are. P.S. quit making 'i love Jesus' references. You guys are the farthest thing from what it means to follow Him, he may even be offended by the hypocrisy. Btw, please try thinking for yourself and not just doing something because it's the 'fratty' thing to do. That is why you have a brain. 

7. The Media Why are people so obsessed with celebrities? Your life must be pretty sad if you are obsessed with the lives of others, and I don't like how the media gives these people so much attention. There are genocides, and social injustice is everywhere. Pay attention to that. I can guarantee this world will change.  

8. Politics. They were created with good intentions, but now they are as productive as babbling two year olds. It only makes people mad and gets everyone's panties in a wad. Less pride, more listening guys. 

9.  Corporations. They make the rich richer, and the poor poorer. Define: evil. 

10. People who take a million pictures of themselves. Smhhh. I have no words. Go read a book or something instead.

This is not meant to offend anyone, I just felt like ranting a bit. If it does, I don't mind apologizing and talking things out. I have opinions, and that is all there is to it. So now you know what I don't like. Feel free to tell me things you don't like either. I hear that some of the best friendships are born out of common dislikes.

Til next time. 

P.S. not once did I use the word hate.

thirty-six.

I, for once, have the privilege of staying up for no reason (yay three-day weekends!)...and I can't sleep. So I bring you a lame 36 question questionnaire. This is for myself really, I'm constantly changing, so this is a self check point.


01. Are you currently in a serious relationship?
Nope. But I guess I'm at the point where one would be okay.

02.What was your dream growing up?
I wanted to be an astronaut, yep. I quickly realized this was not my life calling when I found out I was scared of heights.

03. What talent do you wish you had?
I wish I was better at public speaking...I can sing/play anyday cause I can lose myself in what I've created...but speaking doesn't allow that. I get so nervous.

04. If I bought you a drink what would it be?
Coffee.

05. Favorite vegetable?
Tomatoes!! With carrots as a close second.

06. What was the last book you read?
I just finished 'The Death of Captain America.' Yes, I know  it's a comic and not technically a book. No, I do not care.

07. What zodiac sign are you?
Scorpio I believe

08. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
Just my ears...

09. Worst Habit?
Playing with my hair. I do it all the time and I swear I'm not some ditzy stupid flirty chick...cause I hate girls who are like that. It's a nervous habit. Like I squeeze it in my hand for no reason.

10. If you saw a hobo walking down the street would you offer thema ride?
I don't drive...

11. What is your favorite sport?
Long live the Dallas Cowboys.

12. Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
Mostly optimistic...but it depends really

13. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with a stranger?
Uhh...tribal dancing? Ultimate Ninja? Gotta kill time yo.

14. Worst thing to ever happen to you?
I got in a really bad wreck where a friend and I got hit by an eighteen wheeler...to this day I remain cautious and slightly paranoid of the highway at night. Ian, if you read this, I love you and I wouldn't have wanted to almost die with anyone else outside my family of course. lol.

15. Tell me one weird fact about you.
I fell asleep in a bowl of soup when I was three. My mom tells me I never recovered -_-

16. Do you have any pets?
Um, NO. I really want a freaking turtle!! So as soon as I move out, UH, TURTLES PLEASE.

17. What could be found on your iPod?
Basically anything that's not on the radio. Real music is good.

18. If you had to pick one place to live, where would it be?
New York City. There are enough weird people there that I'm normal...

19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
Do they eat children? That is the question.

20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
Nothing really...maybe some height?

21. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
depends, whatcha got up your sleeve bro?

22. What color eyes do you have?
Almost black

23. Ever been arrested?
Naw bro

24. Bottle or can soda?
I don't drink soda...

25. If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
Pay my tuition+rent

27. What's your favorite place to hang out?
Coffee shops or libraries/book stores. I'm a nerd, ok

28. Do you believe in ghosts?
And I'm Santa Claus!


29. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
Depends. I sing, I write, I paint, I sleep...depends.

30. Do you swear a lot?
Nah

31. Biggest pet peeve?
UGH here we go: Republicans, kids with runny noses, people who are famous for no reason aka the kardashians, ignorant people, my sister wearing my clothes without asking, overly nice people, bad music, etc. i hate a lot of things.

32. In one word, how would you describe yourself?
quirky

33. Do you believe/appreciate romance?
ehh....


34. Favorite and least favorite food?
(at the moment) favorite: tofu burritos least: cheese (forever til i die)

35. Do you believe in God?
More than anything.

36.Penguins or elephants?
uh, random much? but please don't make me pick....


til next time.

Jesus is my home....wrecker.

I'll begin this post with this excerpt...read it, think about it, and then proceed.

"The matter is quite simple. The Bible is very easy to understand. But we Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand, we are obliged to act accordingly. Take any words in the New Testament and forget everything except pledging your self to act accordingly. My God, you will say, if I do that my whole life will be ruined. How would I ever get on in the world? Herein lies the real place of Christian scholarship. Christian scholarship is the Church's prodigious invention to defend itself against the Bible, to ensure that we can continue to be good Christians without the Bible coming too close." 

-Soren Kierkegaard, from "Provocations: Spiritual Writings of Kierkegaard

I honestly couldn't help but feel completely helpless the first time I read that....mainly because I am so guilty of it. This post is hard to write, but you have no idea how desperate I am to see things change.

Have you ever read the gospels? I did and it wrecked every notion I had of my life.

Matthew 16:24-25

²⁴ Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. ²⁵ For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.

I've probably read this verse a million times. I even wrote it on a cute little card and tacked it onto my bulletin board thinking, aww, how inspirational. But the truth is that none of us really knows what it means to lose our lives. We all love our agendas too much, our plans, our dreams, our earthly goals...we don't ever deny ourselves really. Some may argue and say, well, when I can I give time to my church, etc. Yeah, okay. But let's be honest. That time is probably leftover time, doesn't require much sacrifice, and I only say this because I do it too. But in this verse Jesus makes it very clear to his disciples, you want eternal life? Follow me. Wholeheartedly. No shortcuts, no self-sufficiency. Love passionately and deeply, and that means everyone. Not just the ones who look and think like you. Learn to trust me. I find it so tragic that Christians today have no idea what it means to really trust God. We sing a million songs about trusting Jesus and always try to console others in their desperation by telling them to trust God when we don't have the slightest idea what it means to depend on him. Psalms talks about how God has it all under control, and how if he takes care of the lillies and sparrows, he most definitely will take care of us. But in these times, our obsession with self sufficiency is unhealthy. You're sick? Go see your doctor. Need food? Go buy it at the store. Can't pay rent? Lose sleep and come up with a million ideas to get that extra money. And oh the 53195831 insurance policies we will purchase. We don't know how to live by faith anymore, and we don't realize that anything we have doesn't come from us, but from Him, and that every single breath of ours depends on Him! Never us. Now I'm not saying to be lazy or anything, but I mean, Jesus himself lived his whole life on faith in His father alone. Jesus was homeless. Yeah. Homeless. The King of Kings and Lord of Lords, the one who has his hand over all, was homeless. Yet he always had a place to sleep. Jesus didn't have a job and probably had to trust His father for every meal. But tell any Christian in America to sell all they have to poor, to quit their job, and go after God's heart and to trust him for everything, and they will probably peg you as a radical. 

Which is another problem. Why have Christians become so normal? We are like iguanas. We blend in with the rest. Like Kierkegaard said, we use our idea of church as our excuse for not living out a true authentic faith. Because we know that if we really took Jesus words seriously, we would have no other choice but to act accordingly, and to give it all away in search of his kingdom. We choose not to because we like our houses. We like our cars, our jobs, our social status, and our sense of pride in being able to provide for ourselves. We feel like we deserve what we have when we kinda don't because anything we have is because God in his great mercy gave it to us. Jesus' life was uncoventional, so far from what I live today. The American church probably shares more resemblance with a leper than Jesus. The leper is numb, can't feel, and is slowly dying. We, the church, need to learn to love and feel again. To share love....after all, that's why we're here. Jesus chose to give us the privilege of being his hands and feet on this earth. I mean, he could do the job. But instead, he chose to give it to us. So we could see how beautiful he is and how meaningless anything this world could give us is.

I'm on a mission to give it all away. And I mean everything.