w a n d e r l u s t.

I have been in so in my feels lately.

I have been a mood where I just want to hop in a van and drive until I hit the Pacific Ocean. I have been wanting to paint until I have no more paint to paint with. I have been wanting to watch so many movies in a row to the point where I would have to roll over because my butt would fall asleep. I have been wanting to just go far away for a weekend. I have been craving the waves crashing on my ankles. I have been longing to breathe fresh air from a mountain top. I have been wanting to sit in my church by myself and sing my lungs out. I've been missing sunrises and wanting to prolong sunsets. I have been wanting to write all the thoughts in my head (but can never find words when I want these thoughts to go elsewhere). I want to bake for no reason. I want it to rain really hard so I can go running in the rain. I want to lay in bed all day with my blankets, a good book, and a cup of coffee on a rainy day. I want to throw a barbeque for friends and entertain people and eat like kings for no reason. I want meet a stranger and become friends (everything is only a matter a time!). I want to lay on a blanket on a clear night and stare at the stars until I fall asleep. I want to go into an open field and set off fireworks. I want to go for walks in early summer and watch things come back to life. I want to do so many things. Routine is killing me.

I want to be a l i v e.

dust

Sometimes I wonder if my inability to sleep is from an actual physical ailment or just because the internet is available to me.

Anyways.

I really can't sleep tonight.

One of my aunt's passed away tonight. This is the first death in my family in a very, very long time so I can't really process it. (Pray for my dad y'all...seeing him like this breaks my heart more than anything.)

I didn't really know her. She lives in Mexico, so we haven't seen or talked to her in years, but she was the youngest of my dad's siblings. Entirely too young, and just like that she is gone.

I can't sleep because I mean, yeah, we hear it all the time that we will all return to dust and that death can happen to us at any moment, but we don't think about it on a daily basis, only when it actually happens and then we think of life as this tangible timeline of things we did, qualities we possessed, things we didn't do, things we weren't....etc.

Not quite sure how to put this feeling it into coherent sentences but I can't sleep tonight because life can become so mundane and we can get used to the everyday routine but are we actually making our life count? And I don't mean like huge accomplishments or anything, but what are we doing to create change in our near environment? What are we doing to create joy in a world that's fallen in love with cynicism? What am I doing to love those as Christ has loved me? Am I being the best me I can be for others? Am I being as forgiving and loving as I need to be?

Everyone always talks about what 'life is all about' and I quite frankly don't know what this life is about, but all I know is that everyday I'm learning more and more to love the simple and to learn to live in awe of everything. I'm learning to be excited about life...I had let myself be so cynical for way too long (and how sad I am now that I wasted so much time in that state of mind) and it's work, but I'm learning to just see everything as miraculous because it truly is because God created it...like this morning I peeled a tangerine while I was eating breakfast and I stared at the individual chunk of tangerine (is there a term for this?) and I just stared at the detail of the chunk of tangerine and it was so beautiful, like this mosaic of sugar and organic things and I was like, there's no way that this world is merely accidental with detail like this...I saw God's creative power in an orange this morning. But such detail! And if God is so detailed with a fruit then I can only imagine how much detail and purpose and potential there must be in each and every one of our lives and how we have the rest of our lives to live out these dreams that we stay up thinking about... 

Maybe life is about always being in awe of things. People want to know everything but I don't so I can always grow and keep that wonder factor in me...

We are once in a lifetime.

free time

This is what I do on my day off. Woo.

A. What are your favourite smells?
Coffee, pumpkin anything, the earth after it rains, fresh laundry, paint (yeah that's weird) and certain kinds of plastic... 

B. Can you go a whole day without caffeine?
Could you go a whole day without oxygen? 

C. Who knows more about you than anyone else?
My mom. And my friend Ian..he could blackmail me so hard you guys. 

D. What song did you last listen to?
 "Comforting Sounds" by Mew. It's playing as I type this and I know I've been talking about this song a ton lately (this song speaks to me y'all) , but I will never get over how much of a masterpiece it is. Nine minutes full of aching emotion, and the most honest lyrics ever and it's perfect. Makes me wanna cry but leaves me hopeful all at once. Never gets old. You know when people ask you what's your favorite song? This is probably mine. It's a song for a lifetime.

E. Do you have a crush on anybody?
Nope. 

F. Do you like The Beatles?
 Yes. Matter of fact, I had Across the Universe on repeat yesterday.

G. If you could choose one color to wear for a whole year, what color would you choose?
Ooh. White? We all start the years with a blank slate and dream of what they'll look like in December, so I feel like if I wore white...I would see the wear and tear of the year at the end. This is probably a super deep response to a simple question.


H. Do you cook often?
All the time.


I. What was the last film you watched? Did you like it?
I watched "Renoir" the other day- it's a Gilles Bourdos film. It's a love story set in 1915 on the French Riviera, good plot, but mostly the scenery and lighting really make the film. Also, this made me wish I spoke French. What a beautiful language!


J. Can you sew?
I mean, I can hem pants and skirts and sew buttons and stuff


K. What is your favorite fruit?
Depends. I'm on a blueberry kick right now


L. Are you health conscious?
I am SO health conscious and my family hates me for it- I'm super anal about what I eat now and if I eat junk food I make sure I work off those calories. Excessive reading of labels? Guilty as charged.


M. Go do the Kinsey scale test, what number result did you receive?
 0

N. Do you curse a lot?
Nah. We have a whole dictionary- there are other ways to get the point across. However, words slip out here and they're. Woops. 

O. When was the last time you had a pint of beer?
Friday night. It was Shock Top's pumpkin brew, and it was really good actually.


P. Are you pro life or pro choice?
I am as liberal as they come, but this is my one issue that I am staunchly conservative on. Pro-life.


Q. Is there a certain food you often crave for no reason?
Pizza because PIZZA


R. What was the last book you purchased?
"Radical" by David Platt. Still gotta get to it though.


S. Where was your last vacation?
I went to Richmond in June for my friend's wedding, so yeah.


T. Do you shave your pits?
um, yes.


U. Did you ever play seven minutes in heaven?
I actually don't know what this is


V. Girls, when was the last time you went out without a bra?
Never. I just can't because the cold is real. 

W. Guys, when was the last time you went shirtless in public?
N/A 

X. Have you ever broken a bone? If so, how did it happen?
My ankle...fell off the monkey bars. ):


Y. How do you like your eggs?
Scrambled


Z. What was your last argument about and who with?
My sister, as always, and it was because I drew on her face while she slept. Haha. 

no mirrors

Ever since I moved back from New York I've spent a lot of time alone. I never really clicked with the people that I went to high school with, and for the most part, there aren't a lot of (sane) young singles where I live, so my social life is pretty non existent..which I'm okay with. No company is better than bad company y'all.

I don't know why but I know that we as humans have a weird innate need to have people around us because we all need to know that we belong and are approved of, etc.

Sometimes being alone for a while is a really good thing. Few things are purer than loneliness, and time on your own really lets you discover who you are for real, when no one else is looking and no one is influencing you or approving or disapproving.

I don't have much else to say other than I really recommend this. We are scrambling like crazy to 'be' but aren't taking the time to 'become'...which is just as important.

(In other news, I start bible school in August, and throwing that on top of everything else, I will be busaaay for a while. Pray for me you guys! Looking forward to being immersed with Jesus knowledge. I'm finally getting used to you again, NC.) 

two thirty six

We all think we're so different but really, we are all just looking for the same things. Maybe in different variations, but we all want the same things. We really aren't as different as we think we are. The things that may change if we realized that.

selective reading

This is particularly hard to write.

Where did we go wrong?

As the daughter of a pastor, the church very much has been and will always be the best thing in my life...but in light of several events in recent memory, I'm not even angry- just really disappointed. Last night I was reading in Matthew and I just saw Jesus come alive on the page, and his undying and unconditional love and belief in us was as beautiful as ever.

But why have 'believers' today thought that its okay to pick and choose what parts of the Bible we can believe or not? Who are we to think we can read and highlight the parts that support our lifestyles so that our consciences' can sleep with one eye open and disregard the rest to not only cheat ourselves of fullness of life in Christ but even worse- attack a fellow human being in the name of self proclaimed self-righteousness?

It's become very evident in the media that 'christians' are now seen in a negative light- we're seen as bigots, fanatics, zealots, backwards inbreds (never got this one), close minded conservatives (Disclaimer: I am not a conservative...you all knew that, but I am sick of people questioning my love for my savior out of my political stances. Anyways.) But it now has seemed that everyone can speak except for 'christians' because of such hostile views..

Where did we go wrong?

To be a Christian is to be Christ-like. Who was Jesus anyways? He loved unconditionally. He hung out with 12 rejects of the system and made them his friends. He taught us to do everything out of love because He is love. He gave everyone everything expecting nothing in return, knowing we had done nothing to earn His love and knowing that we could never do anything to pay him back. He was a King yet the gospels tell us that He "didn't have a place to lay his head." The King of all was homeless...doesn't look too much like Christians who have tried to merge belief with the American dream. (Which is why I don't buy the health and wealth teachings...I think if Jesus was truly concerned with a house in the suburbs and a 401k he woulda been born into a similar social circle himself, right? But no.)

He was love...and in love, everything changes. We can't expect to impose our beliefs on others thinking we're holier than thou and expect anything...we need to talk less and love more. Who are we to think we can reinvent God in our image? We need to encounter the real Jesus all over again and fall in love. Yes- we need to love everyone regardless of their beliefs, lives and flaws because you may seem alright but we're all flawed, don't lie.

God wants all of us or none of us...sometimes what we read may in His word may contradict us and we can't ignore it...contradiction is good because it means that I'm still in repair and even though I think I'm right I might not be and isn't it healthy for us to hear that we're wrong sometimes? 

We need a true revolution in the church...it blows my mind that people who claim Christ speak so much hate. (And to see 'believers' be so adamant that they're right bothers me.) We all make mistakes- some more visible than others, but all of our faults are there. We are all made of the same flesh and bones and arms and eyes and hearts...we're no better than our brother. I pray everyday that people that I come into contact with me see His love radiate and not me...trust me guys. Read the Gospels. I want to be like that. I want to be just like Jesus.

I dream of a day when the church becomes synonymous with love.

Where did we go wrong?

certain instabilities

It's not that I'm pessimistic or anything, because I'm not, but sometimes I have to be rational. I've always heard people say that the higher you climb the further you have to fall, and this can be applied to many aspects of life- love, careers, education, wealth, happiness, and anything that can be measured by success or lack thereof...
I think maybe the reason why so many people have a hard time being completely happy is because of the instability of happiness versus the certainty of sadness. A lot of us are guilty of putting walls up because we are all scared to death of falling, of letting someone down, of letting ourselves down, and ultimately of facing ourselves..
We need to be okay with letting ourselves feel that sadness and not feel like its a bad thing, because we're human and we feel things and why pretend to be perfectly fine if you know that you can't help it because life simply goes on and you have to deal with it, like the cliches that tell us that we need the bad to truly appreciate the good (and that's a whole other idea..how flawed are we as humans that we need bad to see good, anyways)...
I'm thankful that Christ is the source of my joy- and in my life, and hopefully in yours too, this fact is undeniable. It's a joy and a peace so perfect that I can't explain. He fills every void in my soul and I am forever grateful for that.
But we are all still human. And our souls are always involuntarily restless.